i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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