So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
