Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
