Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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