Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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