Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
