one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
