remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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