My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
