My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We left the knife in your bed.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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