The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
