i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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