3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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