My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
