My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he wants to bone in the snuggie
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
