Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
