I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
