i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
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We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
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So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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