Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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