How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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