I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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