I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
