I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize