batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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