He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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