yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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