Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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