Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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