you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
