Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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