On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Drake has all the answers
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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