so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
