The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
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So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
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Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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