I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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