i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk