One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
accomplished twins. life is a go
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
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You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
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All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..