Sponge bath it is.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Are my feet made of real feet?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We're too hungover to prance.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
The only downside is I can't stop skipping