Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
