You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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