I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
