New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Sober January is a disaster.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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