Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When did angry sex become our thing?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
