I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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