Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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