I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
