i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
