I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
