new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
