I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
