are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
