The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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