I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
