I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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