God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
