Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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