you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize