The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
