I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
