You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
