"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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