Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
